October 22, 2008

The vagaries of being a sentimental idiot

When I enter my past and sift through my thoughts, I keep marvelling at how I've become less of a sentimental idiot as far as some things are concerned. And I'm alarmed at how I continue being a sentimental idiot...the objects and issues change, the idiocy remains.

But, yes, I have managed to rid myself of some of my most nonsensical fantasies. And while they made me feel like the world had come to an end once they collapsed around me or were shattered by others, they've taught me that belief is precious and should not be wasted on anything and everything. I have been robbed of my ability to approach things with a completely open mind and proclaim my love to the world and anyone else who would listen. Now I treat every new thing cautiously, even if I try really hard, I always start with a bit of skepticism.

But it brings me more peace of mind. At least, there is a false sense of insulation that I can believe in, because it is a figment of my imagination. In short, I try to make myself labour under the delusion that I don't care. Not with much success, but I don't know if I would be proud of this success.

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